Status

Of course, like many people, I have my complaints about facebook. I mean not to the point where I plan on cancelling my account or blacklisting it for a day, but there is, like everything in life, room for improvement.

I would also like to extend an irritated look at all the people who are contemptuous of facebook, because we all know they won't join because it will reveal how little people like them.

I mean, of course all your facebook friends are people you can run to in times of need and borrow money from. I don't have a single friend that is someone I only crossed glances with once in my law school hallway whilst smiling wanly. Or who wants to be my friend because a friend of a friend is my friend and I will add to their number. No, no, no. Not MY facebook friends. I would never stoop so low as to be friends with those types of people so an ex-boyfriend can see how ridiculously loved I am in proportion to his sad two-digit friend number.

The issue I've had with facebook lately is that, while I've been able to go overboard on listing everything I like and trying to be extraordinarily witty about my educational and work background, I am lost as to what to put as my "relationship status."

That's because none of the existing statuses really describe my situation (single, married, in an open relationship, engaged).

I don't like to think of myself as single, because I definitely have more than one person trapped inside this body.

I'm not married.

I'm not sure what "In an open relationship" means, but if that's dating someone while screwing someone else, and then making sure the person I'm dating finds out when we break up in order to hurt their feelings and make them feel inadequate - that's just being in a relationship. Which doesn't fit my current status either.

Not engaged.

Is there anything else? No? Let's move on then to some new relationship statuses I feel facebook should introduce to fit my and many others' situations.

1. Pending divorce.

2. Divorced.

3. Divorced twice.

4. Pretty sure the last one was gay and terrified the next one will be too.

5. Spending a lot of time at bars hoping to get lucky.

6. Spending a lot of time at high schools hoping to get lucky.

7. Prefers to have the entire bed to myself.

8. Have unsuccessfully consulted a Jewish matchmaker without being Jewish.

9. Will marry for green card.

10. Looking for my baby daddy.

I'm sure there are more...anyone?