Tuesday, January 20, 2009


Okay. So I have definitely pulled my share of practical jokes in my life, some of which I am particularly proud. And I've had them pulled on me. So far, I've been a pretty good sport. But that ends now.

To whomever thought it would be funny to sign me up for a Jewish matchmaking service, you will be in a world of pain once this chaleria* finds you.

Besides the worrisome identity theft issues, I am not actually Jewish. The closest I have ever come to being Jewish was when this drunk girl at a school function asked me which temple I went to, and when I told her I was Catholic** she told me I looked Semitic. At first, I thought she said I was ANTI-semitic, so it was awkward for a moment, but we worked it out.

On a segue, my sis has this thing where she's convinced her whole squadron she's Jewish, and everytime I go to visit her, I almost screw it up. I probably almost screw it up because I'm not Jewish, but then I almost screw it up because then I do overkill - like I say things only a goy would say. Like when one of her pilots said to me "Gee, she's in kind of an un-Hannukah-like mood, huh?" I'll say "Yeah, I forgot to bring her dreidel***" and then I think, "Oops, went too far." Sorry sis.

Anyway, so I start getting all of these random calls from this Jewish matchmaking service telling me I filled out a questionnaire and I try to explain that I didn't and I'm not Jewish or in the market for a mate and I thought that would resolve that.

But no, these guys are so persistant they make a prom date look like a choirboy.

To try to relieve myself of this burden I asked them to send me a copy of the questionnaire I supposedly filled out. I've been making a point to stay away from the internet post-Ambien pop ever since that unfortunate incident where I ordered a lot of furniture from Ikea that I had forgotten about until they told me they were getting ready to ship it, so I'm pretty sure I wasn't trolling for matchmaking services recently. However, when I looked at the questionnaire the resemblence to what my own responses would have been was uncanny.

Whoever this was knew me really really well.

Despite my protests, they still haven't stopped calling, which is the annoying part. I suppose they've figured the religion bit can be fixed (um no, conversion takes time and an actual belief in something), and I am a bit of a shiksa. That's right. I suppose it will resolve itself with the method I use with anything involving relationships. I just won't answer the phone. Ever.

Ok, who did this?


Oh, oh, oh.

I know.

Well, we AREN'T Jewish, and you can't fool Navy Pilots forever. You can fool them for a really long time, sure, but not FOREVER.

You just wait little sister until this shiksa gets her claws into you. Chalmayiah! Oy vey!

*I would to think my Jewish college roommate for teaching me that word. Except she didn't have to put it in the context of "Keep your hands off my matza balls, chaleria!" Or get pissed off when I thought that was funny.

**I'm not anymore. But I like idols.

***I refuse to even think about the number of Yiddish misspellings in this post.


Kurt said...

If you get called out on any Yiddish misspellings just say you were listing the names of the furniture from Ikea.

You could be all "OY! Such a leksvik!"

Rachel Tamed said...

Oh, well, does that mean you also aren't interested in the 'find a sugar daddy' matchmaking service I signed you up for?

Picky much! :)

Star Kicker said...

If they have money and don't require me to join a religion - I just might be down...:)

J. Neas said...

I'm surprised I'm the first to get to this, but..

..you do have shiksa-ppeal. The dreidels will come rolling in if you let 'em.