Tuesday, March 10, 2009


My preoccupation with the goings-on in facebook land are occasionally tantamount to my granddad's obsession with daytime television. Both involve a lot of projection of our own desires, fears, and paranoias onto the lives of virtual strangers. The only difference is that the film quality is a little better on facebook. And I don't talk to it. At least not so far.

I like to think of myself as a fearless woman who couldn't give a bird's poop about what other people think of her. This is why, for example, I have no trouble saying callous, hurtful, and inappropriate things in refined social situations while I am "networking." However, I've come to realize that this pooh-poohing of others' opinions is not true, and not only because of the Tourettes diagnosis.

Yes, sadly there will always be a little part of me that will still be bitter about the day I scratched my nose a little too intensely in sixth grade and all those kids started calling me "Ms. Gilbooger" and saying that I was eating boogers and I wasn't. I mean who eats boogers when you can put them on a plywood board and threaten to touch your younger sibling with them while they're sleeping like my deranged Uncle David liked to do to my father. But whatever, those kids were stupid.

Except now all the stupid kids want to be my facebook friends, and out of a sense of munificence (brought on mostly by the fact I am a big-time attorney and their job description is "my husband is a plumber which gives me the flexibility to be a full-time mom") I have agreed to their proposals. But which unfortunately ensued in annoying little griefs that I thought I had left fah fah behind.

The first came from this bitchy cheerleader girl. I remember two very important things about this girl. The first is that she had disproportionately large calves. The second, and most important, is that she told people I had lost my virginity at a party on someone's back porch swing. That last part is not true, and in fact not even believable since most adolescents can barely get it together enough for missionary style, much less moving surfaces. Anyway, she dated an ex of mine and they pretty much both hated me, and really, the story should end there. And indeed, I had long buried it until she "friended" me.

She then offered what appeared to be the peace pipe in the form of a "message" wherein she told me I looked beautiful, that she was amazed at my travels and how she always knew that I'd be a success (?). She then offered info in the form of having kids and invited me to look at her kid photo album. Okay, so I did because I knew she was looking for me to write back and say "Hey, you're also a success because someone put a penis in your vagina and nine months later things came out that can breathe. And they're adorable!" But I looked at ol' Ray-Lynne and Dewayne and I knew that I would hate myself forever if I ever in any way praised their aesthetic value. And yet I also hated the fact that it seemed like she had really tried and yet, there I was, being all petty. So, I hemmed and hawed and then noticed about a week later that she had "defriended" me. And to add insult to injury commented on another mutual "friend's" status that "her status wasn't as witty as some show-offs we know."

Okay, this is actually pretty funny but I am so sick and tired of people who don't respect what should be the cardinal rule of facebook. If you "friend" someone, you do not get to defriend them unless that person really wrongs you in some horrible way. Like kicking your dog. Or sucking as your partner in a clinic. But really, was I chasing you down? No. You wanted me, and you don't get to decide that you don't want me anymore. Or something.

Yeah, that didn't really make much sense. What I meant to say is: Fuck you. And Ray Lynne and Dewayne. And my only regret is that I didn't make that into my witty status for that day.

The second happened a little more recently and involves a girl I may or may not know. We have mutual "friends" but she doesn't look familiar except as a girl who may or may not have been in my math class (and of that I can't be sure because I spent most of my math classes absolutely panicking at the thought that numbers would ultimately be the downfall of me getting into a good college and the hell away from this redneck town). But, whatever ... accept, accept. Then the other day I logged on to find that she had nominated me as "most likely to come on too strong."

What the fuck? I don't even remember this girl, and yet somehow my encounters with her seem to have left such an impression that 13 years later she needs to put out just how over-the-top I was. I'll admit that I had a panache for getting myself in trouble (the strip poker in the hotel with the Beta Club president comes to mind, but we were just faking it, and when he leaned out the hotel room when you stupid people knocked he was only naked from the waist up for fuck's sake). I'll admit that at times it may have appeared that I was on more drugs than I actually was on. And maybe I didn't need to be so enamoured with Tori Amos that I also dyed my hair red. But you are not allowed to friend someone who hardly deigns to know you and take advantage of their goodwill by blessing them with a superlative that makes it sound like I hang out with a cloud of aftershave engulfing those around me as I lean into their personal space and make kissing noises. Fuck you also.

Wait, maybe I don't actually care. Maybe these ruminations are more of an effort for me to get inspired to blog more often. Except now I'm convinced that a colleague hates my guts. But then again, she's the type of person that's so uptight, when she reads microwave instructions that say "make a 1" slit on the top" she probably gets out the ruler. So, I don't really care what she thinks.

Or do I? Did I mention she had the nerve to defriend me at one point? After SHE friended ME?

Duh duh DUH!!!!!


Kurt said...

I'm still getting used to the rules on FB. I had a high school bully try to friend me and since I remembered him as being a retarded asshole, I denied him. Now he's friends with everyone in my graduating class but me, and I'M the bully.

That's pretty fucking sweet actually.

Prosy said...

HAHA- the truth about facebook that no one will admit!
I do the same thing, add people that went to my high school that for the life of me I CANNOT REMEMBER ever seeing them. Even their names don't sound familiar. I can't believe people are friending and then defriending you like that, I agree, it is not classy in the facebook world. You should add them, and then defriend them as revenge! Or something.

Anonymous said...

I'll admit that I could have done without the high school cheerleader albums. I suppose those were really good times for folks, but I wouldn't go back to high school for a million bucks. But really what I find most annoying about facebook is that I have to be careful to state anything, else someone finds out and gets hurt. I'm going to St. Louis this weekend but must hide this from the FB community, or else a friend in the St. Louis area will be hurt that I didn't pop by. Nevermind that I should be able to go away on a romantic weekend with a man without any interruptions... I might actually quit the whole thing together if I weren't so nosy.

Shana said...

Dear Facebook Etiquette Marm,

I received a friend request from someone who went to my school but I have no clue who she is. I accepted, because it felt mean not to. Zero interaction since then. Would it be rude to defriend now? I am so confused.

Also, when receiving a friend request from someone who was a COMPLETE FUCKING BITCH in high school, is it OK to reply with not only a rejection, but a recitation of all of the reasons for said rejection?

Inquiring minds need to know.

figment said...

i wish i had the cajones to deny people. not that they're knocking down my fb door or anything, but i have this unfortunate policy of always accepting. b/c i'm spineless.

and as you know, e, i've also had evil inviters reject me after i've accepted their damn invitation. and so help me i will hold it against them for the rest of my life.

just b/c i can.

Some Girl said...

OK, you are totally looking at this from the wrong angle. This crazy bitch that was mean to you in high school friended you on FB. It turns out that she has a really lame life, and when you didn't respond to a message within a week, she freaked out and defriended you. THEN felt the need to make insecure comments about your statuses. ...Seriously? You totally won this one.

Plus, your status messages aren't show-offy. She just must be dumb.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I just put everyone I don't know or don't like on my high security privacy setting, where they can only see my info page.

Star Kicker said...

@ Kurt: I don't know if you're a bully as much as unattainable. Which might be better because it kind of gives you celebrity status. Or you could be the Unabomber.

@ Prosy: Unfortunately, it might look like I am crawling back. So instead I think I'll create the persona of "the hottest guy in school" and THEN carry out your evil plan.

@anon: I've done the same thing. And sometimes I don't want them to know why I'm there anyway. Of course then you run the risk of bumping into them on the street or something and then they'll want to know why you breached facebook etiquette by not letting your friends know where you are and how good of a time you are having ALL THE TIME.

Shana: I suggest instituting an automatic friend removal procedure, which sends a notice to said "friend" somewhat resembling those letters you get from credit card companies that tell you they're cancelling your card because you never use it. As far as reasons - definitely. I believe there are probably some forms for protective orders that would do the trick.

Figment: You don't know how badly I wanted to add your little anecdote, but I don't like to steal stories.

Some girl: You warm my heart. You're right, I am a winner. Except why did you lock me out of your blog? Is it so you can say mean things about me? it is, isn't it? :)

Mandy: Unfortunately, my life is so interesting and people probably spend so much time cruising my profile that they would notice the immediate difference. :(

Some Girl said...

Totally. I changed it to "Erintheshowoff.com." It's mostly posts about you and bacon.

figment said...

i hereby give you permission to steal anytime.

Kell said...

my god, this got some good laughs out of me.

Shana said...

I were not a techno-retard, I would totally invent a facebook form letter rejection app that people could add to their page. Absolute genius.