Wednesday, February 18, 2009


So, my "Elevator" series just isn't living up to my expectations because as soon as I got excited about it, interesting stuff just stopped happening on the elevator. Mostly it's been the usual shit, like I get on the elevator, retreat to my little corner where I lean against the brass bar with my foot crossed in front of my leg, foot perked up on the toe in studied poise, then get off the elevator, and then repeat until I reach my final destination. When I am going down, I push my heels firmly into the floor of the elevator to make sure it passes the floor where Sucre guy lurks or I stare at my blackberry, or I do both simultaneously.

Once in awhile, some old man talks to me about the weather. Or I'm stuck with an awkward acquaintance - like the lawyers from the firm that I didn't take the offer from and who were kind of jerks about it. Where Sucre guy works. I pretty much hate that floor. Although, in retrospect it does make me feel better that Sucre guy only got that job because I decided not to work there. Ha!

Anyway ... I thought instead, I'd start a new series called "The Ass Hat Awards."

Why? Because "Ass Hat" is one of my new favorite expressions. I also like "Ass Clown" but for awhile it was the entry on my cell phone for my ex and so now it is not as gender neutral as ass hat.

Anyway, the premise for this is very simple : I am often surrounded by ass hats and it's obvious to me that they need some recognition for all the extra effort they put into being outrageously obnoxious.

No, I'm not talking about those people who breathe down your neck in line, or who don't put the little bar thing down on the belt at the grocery store so your produce gets mixed up with theirs, or the people that never learned a turn signal. These people all need special training of course, but none of them quite get to the level of "Ass Hat."


Because an Ass Hat is someone that is so completely in need of the adoration of others and power that they become ridiculous caricatures that no one in their right mind would ever respect, be friends with, or sit next to on the plane without earplugs. Pomposity, self-importance, delusions of grandeur ... you got it.

Ass hats are mostly harmless, unless you realize that they will, in fact, suck hours of your life mercilessly away in trying to attempt to impress you. In my case, this is quite serious, because there is no way in hell I can even fake being impressed with Ass Hats, which usually means they won't fucking stop. Or once they give up they'll tell everyone I had sex with my science teacher or something as revenge for me not being impressed.

Today I did a favor for a friend who is still in law school, and volunteered to judge an appellate competition downtown. This is my first time doing such a thing as a real live attorney, and as I had done a few of these competitions myself, I knew what it was like to stand in the competitor's shoes. I also knew that I had fuck-all experience with anti-trust law (the case), and so planned to be respectful, courteous, and direct in my questions while in my role as judge.

Enter Ass Hat. Ass Hat is a girl who went to school with me. I actually thought she was kind of nice, but apparently the six months that we have been licensed to practice law have turned her from a shy chubby girl to a condescending smug self-important jerk in a very tight Banana Republic Suit. She was downright nasty to the competitors, asked me snidely if I had a job yet, turned up her nose when I named my prestigious firm, and commented at least 5 times during the competition how her partners kept calling her, and she really needs to get on her secretary more often, and she had to take a client to lunch. It was an awful lot to come from a girl who I knew didn't even graduate with honors. I was also nice enough to not point out that her firm had attempted to hire me, and I turned them down. Probably another job opening I created.

So, this is obnoxious. But the part that makes her the Ass Hat for this particular day is that during the entire time, while we were sitting in the actual Federal District Court, in the judge's seats, during a competition where public speaking and intricate argument was the main focus, the bitch was smacking loudly away at a wad of gum.

Ass Hat.


Gavin said...

Think I'm gonna give Ass Clown a go, I'm liking that, my regulars are Donkey, Piss Face Peter (yeah I dont like him, he's a bit of a Piss face Peter), an the ol favourite Jackass. However I think the term Fuck Face is highly underrated, as in walking into your office, 'Hey Gavin' - 'Oh hi Fuck face'. Nice ring to it... Oh also Fuck-wit as in half-wit.

More importantly the rage of doom fills my temples to have donkeys stand right behind me RIGHT BEHIND me, but I NEVER use, I REFUSE TO USE that plastic grocery separation stick! Why? Because if you are behind me, trust me, i aint gonna pay for your crap, an if you infront of me, we put men on the freakin moon, i think we can control the freakin groceries, if we need a little piece of a piss plastic stick we may as well seal up the doors an windows an knock the gas on!

Soooo you really slept with your science teacher???

Kurt said...

Asshat is on the top of my list of favorite insults. You've really captured the flavor and texture of it perfectly. Well played, Milady.

Rachel Tamed said...

I think the AssHat awards is a brilliant idea, and I feel like it should be a weekly, nationally televised event. The only problem is that people are dumbfucks, and will usually be excited about ANY kind of award. It could turn into the new American Idol. Instead of a recording contract, they get a political career.