Monday, December 22, 2008


The declining number of Christmas cards in my mailbox is definitely a sign of my increasing anti-social tendencies, but I look forward to them all the same. I know all of you are probably expecting me to now rant and rave about how annoying those little newsletters people enclose summarizing their year are. Au contraire mon frere. I actually like reading those little ditties. I know, pretty strange but I never said I was predictable.

My one regret is that every year I intend to make my own little newsletter. But I suck at the Christmas thing. I don't even have any Christmas cards, except the ones people sent me this year - but they wrote inside of them so I can't use those. The white-out might look suspicious. There's not enough of them anyway for all of the people who really need to know all the fun times I've had in the past year.

So, in lieu of wasting trees and petroleum, I thought I'd write my own personal newsletter here for all 10 of my friends and unhappy anonymous readers.

Here goes:

Greetings! And Happy Holidays!

I've actually stopped believing in God this year, and it's been great! But this doesn't mean I can't send you lots of holiday cheer because I've definitely downed quite a bit of it before writing this newsletter. Ha ha ha! Or should I say "ho! ho! ho!"?

It's been a long time since we've seen each other/met/slept together, so I wanted to give you an update on my life in 2008!

Well, I graduated law school. So, that's done. And I passed the Louisiana bar. And I got dengue hemorrhagic fever and almost died in a dirty clinic on the coast of Vietnam. I know, I know. I don't mean to brag. I did get really skinny, and that was awesome! Uh-oh, bragging again!

I'm finally making a salary folks, and it equals about 1/4 of the debt I currently owe Citibank for student loans. In a strange coincidence, my credit rating is the same number as the number of times I consider suicide each day. Life is full of wonders.

I'm happy to tell you about my significant other! Or rather others! They were only in my life briefly, but boy, did we have great and abbreviated relationships! There was the serial killer with the white velvet couch, a couple of douchebag lawyers who couldn't talk over dinner, and a professional tenderheart. And let's not forget the manipulative ex-boyfriend who likes it better when you're his emotional affair and then freaks out when you suggest you might still have feelings for him. And who can't fucking spell. I will always treasure the moments spent with these special men, even to the point of spitting if I am forced to say their names.

Now, I know you're all wondering "well, when is Erin going to take that big step into motherhood?"

I'm so happy you asked.

I'm not quite ready for motherhood. You see, I like to take all of those cute baby photos you post on facebook and send to me, and paste little Hitler mustaches on them. Then I replay what the Nuremberg trials would have been like if he'd been there. Oh, don't worry. I don't make ALL of your children into Hitler. Some of them get to be Stalin, Pol Pot, George Bush, the person who invented fake tan, etc. I like to mix it up, kinda like Barbie's dreamhouse where all the magic happens. What fun me and your children have!

I would have some kids of my own, but I'm scared other people won't share my playfulness. I guess for now the dogs will do, and I'd have an easier time eating them if there is ever a famine.

Well, it's probably time to wrap this up. I can't wait to see you/meet you/sleep with you again!

Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!



figment said...

i think this will go down in history as my favorite christmas card. ever.

Some Girl said...

If I ever have children, I demand that they be portrayed as a lesser-known dictator. You know, for education and all.