Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Wince

Work is kind of slow lately, so I've been spending a lot of time search for things to mock to make my life that much brighter. It was only today that I stumbled onto New Orlean’s Craigslist’s “Men seeking women” ads. I don’t why this previously escaped me since I have been spending hours at my desk huddled in a fit of laughter. What a cornucopia!

For your viewing enjoyment I include some of my favorites along with comments.

1. northern guy looking for a southern girl - 42 built and broad minded guy from up north living and working down here i.s.o. a southern girl with beauty, brains and morals oh yea if ya smoke or like getting drunk look else where cuz it'll never work and leave a pic or get no response ( i wanna know who i'm talking to )

**Um, someone needs to tell this dude that love is about giving as well as receiving. And that at 42 you can’t really expect a southern girl with beauty, brains, and morals. After all, southern women gave up on northern men with these qualities around age 18.

2. Won’t Last Long
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THE FAKE REPLIES AND THEN THIER'S THE ONES WITHOUT A PIC...SO IF THERE IS ANY REAL PEOPLE OUT THERE U KNOW WHAT TO DO...I PROBABLY WONT KEEP THIS ON HERE VERY LONG BECAUSE OF THAT

**So he’s threatening to withdraw his photo? Probably not an effective wooing strategy. Or maybe so, considering the photo.

3. Looking For My Blonde Obscene Viking Queen - m4w (nola)single white guy 126pounds tan w/ smooth physique 5'5,dark hair seeks long curly haired blondie barbarian,nordic accent a big plus.Unleashing magical forces under the cold grey sky a possibility.

*Obviously a joke. But then again a Christmas Viking chased me down to flirt in front of the Hotel Monteleone this morning. So maybe not.

4. Re: Mr. T Monroe (All Over, Obviously!)I didn't know this "gentleman's" name, but I do recognize the email address. He's responded to my ads on numerous occasions. What's funny is I believe it is ALWAYS the same "form letter." He must send that out to everyone he emails. Of course, there are quite a few guys that respond EVERY time I post. So, I know some of them are probably responding to EVERY ad posted that might possibly have a "pussy" attached to it. Pretty pathetic! Luckily, the guy you speak of is NOT my "type."
**I’m not sure what this one is about, but this poster’s parents did not give him/her enough attention. Or teach him/her to post in the appropriate category.

5. Poem for you
Sitting here so alone…
The miles continue to torture me.
Time does nothing but lengthen and stretch out endlessly.
I am missing you something fierce,
And I can't make the pain go away.

To not think of you makes me go mad,
But too many daydreams of your body next to mine
Makes me crazier still.
And I can't calm my heart down.
All it wants is you.

**There’s about eight more similar stanzas. But this is enough for me want to drop an email begging them not to write any more poetry. Ever.

6. AB Fetish for Dominant Woman - 22 (Metairie/Kenner)About Me: 22y/o Student who is seeking a dominant woman for an ab fetish along with others. My stats if it matters are 5'9", 130lbs, Brown/Brown.

I am seeking a Dominant woman who has experience with dominating and humiliating men, having AB Play experience is not necessary nor is looks or shape. Chemistry and Compatibility matter most.

**Most 22-year-olds don’t even know their way away a bedroom properly, but this guy apparently does. In fact, he knows the way while wearing diapers. Impressive.

7. Still Looking - 40 (NewOrleans)
BASIC INFORMATION
1. Name

2. Age
3. Height
4. Weight
5. Eye color
6. Measurements
7. Natural hair color
8. Current hair color

CONTACT INFORMATION

9. Home phone---
10. Cell Phone---
11. Email

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

12. Are you a virgin? Y N
13. If no, how many past sexual partners have you had?
14. Have you ever had a sex change? Y N
15. Do you smoke? Y N
16. Do you use any illegal substances? Y N
17. Do you have kids? Y N
18. If yes, how many?
19. Do you workout? Y N
20. Do you currently have a source of income? Y N
21. If yes, what is it?
22. Do you live on your own? Y N
23. If no, whom do you currently reside with?
24. What kind of car do you drive?
25. Furthest level of education: High School; Some College; Associates Degree;
26. Do you have a history of mental illness? Y N
27. Favorite sport & team...
28. Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend? Y N
29. Do you cook? Y N
30. Do you have any siblings? Y N
31. What is your religion?
32. What is your political persuasion?
33. How many piercing (not including ears) do you have?
34. How many tattoos do you have?
35. What is your current favorite movie of all time?
36. List your three favorite genres of music in order of most favorite to least favorite:

REASONS I SHOULD PICK YOU

37. What is your idea of a perfect date in three sentences or less?
38. Explain why I should pick you as my boyfriend in one sentence:
39. List any special skills that you may have that are relevant to this position:
40. What do you want out of a relationship, specifically one with me?

RELATIONSHIP BACKGROUND
List the details of your past three relationships starting with the most recent.

Start Date:
End Date:
Were you in love? Y N
Sexually active? Y N
Reason for breakup:

Start Date:
End Date:
Were you in love? Y N
Sexually active? Y N
Reason for breakup:

Start Date:
End Date:
Were you in love? Y N
Sexually active? Y N
Reason for breakup:

CERTIFICATION
I hereby certify that the information given by me in this application is true to my knowledge and I give you the authorization to verify it using any means you deem appropriate. I understand that by filling out this form and submitting it for review does not guarantee that I will be chosen.

Date

Applicant Signature

YOU WILL GET A PICTURE OF ME ONCE I RECIEVE A PICTURE OF YOU...NO PICTURE NO RESPONCE!

**I think the title to this particular posting is pretty self-explanatory.

8. Dinner is on me tonite
If you are up for a Thursday nite date with a complete stranger, shoot me an email and let's chat. The worst that can happen is that we end up having a good time and a fun evening.

*Um, that’s not really the worst case scenario.

9. creepy man fan club (somewhere)
few join up ladies contact me and i will tell you what it cost to join and the rules i wanna do tshirt "creepy man fan club" i will charge small fee for my time and effort thanks

*There’s a tee-shirt idea for you, Jen.

10.male seeking stoner/gamer girl - 19 (New orleans,LA)
I am a fun guy seeking a fun girl who loves to get stoned or game on xbox 360 I am really fun and nice so if you want meet up and chill hit me up

*This man will make a fine father … once he gets out of rehab.

I feel like I should end this entry on a less cruel note. There seemed to be a lot of nice down-to-earth guys on there too. I was almost tempted to drop a line to one or two.
Then I remembered that Ted Bundy seemed normal. And that people who don’t post their pictures are probably not physically attractive.

3 comments:

steetoa said...

"thiers the ones" - I didn't know people actually wrote like the way they spoke like that.

Um, do you have a profile/ad on Craigslist personals? I think we'll need to have an intervention if you do.

Startickler said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Startickler said...

Not. Yet.