Thursday, January 27, 2011


I think I might have to ease back on the Facebook a bit. Namely because I like to think of MYSELF as the less-than-mentally-stable friend, but now I'm realizing that all my facebook "friends" are even more crocked than me after a solid week of Nyquil.

I'm not saying that I am the queen of the facebook status updates. Au contraire. I have definitely learned my lessons the hard way. In fact, I have created the following rules for myself regarding things I just refuse to post about (anymore).

1. Being hungover. Obviously, it is not good to post about being hungover on 9:30 Tuesday morning while you are holding your head in your office willing the world to stop spinning. Posting about that simply makes the situation worse. You're basically telling the world that your job matters so little to you that you get drunk on weeknights and then spend a good five minutes trying to figure out a clever way to tell about 300 people about it. "Hm. Should I put the 'agh' before or after the word 'hangover.'?" The answer is, if you really need to disclose your hangoveredness, text a friend. A real friend. That's what they're there for. At least my friends are.

2. Illness. This one is a matter of superstitious principle, as well as good hygiene. I strongly believe that posting facebook stati involving illness - be it yours, your child's, or your pet's - actually is causing a wider spread of the disease. I'm not exactly Ms. Algorhythms (Algorithims?) here, but I'm pretty sure from esoteric observation that discussions of illness are causing a second flu pandemic, and the CDC needs to move in and put an ix-nay on that. Particularly the sick kid part. Because that's part of the fertilization package, friends. Enjoy.

3. HALT. Ha, for those that have never been forced to undergo cognitive behavioral therapy, "HALT" is a grounding acronym used when you are about to go completely irrational and relapse into some nasty habit. First, you stop and take an inventory - "Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired?". If you answer any of the questions positively, you concentrate on resolving that issue before reaching for a substance. If not, you are allowed to consume. I guess that's how it works. I was a little "T" that day. Acronyms are stupid.

Anyway, usually if you've got one of the HALTs, no one really wants to hear about it, or read about it. Just go get yourself a drink. Thanks.

4. Politics. The problem with people who post about politics is that they always seem to think that they know more than they do and often cannot delineate between a particular pundit's twisted reasoning and their own. When questioned, it then becomes a dick-measuring contest as to who has the most brains, which is retarded because the answer is quite simply "libertarians." Please don't put down the fact that political science is not technically a "science," and thus only engineers can rationally make sense out of Beck's latest diatribe. It just makes you look insecure. I have a law degree, for god's sake, and I wouldn't be caught dead quoting anyone at this point.

Although, I think of all the stati I don't allow myself, this one is the hardest. Like when I read a long exchange as to why people on welfare should not be drug tested. Then I get confused, like "aren't government employees subject to random drug tests?" and then "aren't poor people getting paid by the same people as government employees?" and then I realize I really need to HALT and get some drugs because luckily that is not part of my job requirements. Whew.

5. My job. I mean, I have a hard time understanding what I do half the time. There's really no way to boil that down and make it fun. So, in general, reading about people's jobs is never fun. That's what you have co-workers for. Shoo!

6. The super awesome expensive restaurant/exclusive tickets/luxurious vacation you just enjoyed (or, in sadder cases, took a break from enjoying to post about on facebook). Is there any way in the world that advertising your luck is not objectively obnoxious?

Of course, by now you might've guessed I allow about 9 people on my live feed. This has become rather useful as I now spend approximately 1/8th the time on facebook. That is, only about 2 hours a day. Trying to come up with an awesome status that doesn't fall under my self-imposed no-nos, that people will still "like."

It's tough.


Some Girl said...

I wasn't in agreement with the "welfare post" you mentioned, but what really annoyed me about it was, "If you agree, repost!" Clearly that poster didn't write it herself - if you really feel that strongly, shouldn't you just write your own freaking comment? If you're going to offend people, at least be original!

Anyway, now I'm curious if I'm blocked from your feed.

Star Kicker said...

Ha! No, still one of the lucky few. That is, willing to be original to offend. A gift I prize highly in facebook friend world. :)