Monday, December 28, 2009


Today I was determined to take the amount of zen I have been able to muster from sunny days, white beaches, and plenty of vacation self-help reading and make it last all day.

This was successful until the point where a man carrying a baby who obviously has lost the artful skill of actually looking both ways before crossing the street stepped right in front of my car, forcing me to slam on the brakes and swerve, which then caused the car in the incoming lane to have to slam on the brakes and swerve to avoid hitting me.

Needless to say, we were both pissed but ready to move on our way.

But no, the dad, a white dude dressed up in duds from Peru, had to yell at us something like "I've got a BABY here!".

Oh dear lord. While we both shot him the bird in unison for almost killing us because he lacks basic street-crossing skills, I leaned out the window and said "Fuck your stupid baby, and fuck you, asshole!" And then sped off to see him also flipping me off in front of his kid. Obviously, everyone was at their classiest.

But seriously, fuck parents who think that babies get them a free pass for forgetting the rest of us need to get about our daily lives. From taking up entire grocery aisles to being the first to get on a plane, I've had enough of the "baby pass" for just covering the fact that you are an idiot.

In the old days they used to sterilize retarded people because even they could figure out how to procreate. Babies do not make you smart or better.

Anyway, it reminded me of a post I blogged a long time ago when I had another blog, which was the product of receiving one too many baby mass e-mails from people I had not spoken to in years, who cared nothing about my life, and generally just irritated me to no end.

Here's my little rerun. Enjoy!


I realized recently that I don't really like babies.

I think part of this is that everyone (my friends, my family, society in general) keeps telling me that I have to like them, which is a disastrous formula for me because I never like being told that I have to do or like anything. In fact, it really makes me hate the thing I'm supposed to like. Sort of like people pushing Obama on me. Yes, I'm going to vote for him eventually, but I'm not going to do it because you told me to. Sheesh. And please stop handing your babies to me. Law school has atrohied my arm muscles and babies are friggin' heacy. I only feel like I'm going to drop them, and one day out of resentment I might actually do it.

I think another part of it is I just don't see the big deal. So, you had sex. It takes no great talent to do that (unless you're talking about doing it well, which in my case the talent borders on phenomenal). People have sex all the time. Most of it is meaningless. Ergo, babies are often the product of meaningless transactions which is not really a great start for any living creature. Abortions are more meaningful and premeditated on the transactional scale and I think we should have more of them.

Then you have those people who "plan." I actually like this sort better. People who "plan" tend to have things better organized so they aren't surprised by babies doing things like giggling, picking their noses, making undecipherable sounds, and all the other nonsense that largely comprises mass emails to every person who was unlucky enough to give you their email address about eight years ago and in whose life you only take only enough interest to be able to justify foistering your baby news upon them -- without of course taking into account that they've been getting about a dozen other emails like this every year and they are going straight into the "spam" box.

Planners have already spent so much time discussing every detail of their baby's life (from when the baby should start feeding itself solid food to its class rank in medical school) that they're frankly too worn out to really discuss it with strangers. Of course, the mental anguish suffered by planned children whose parents have (often unrealistic) expectations can at times be overwhelming, but I'm willing to risk that just to spare me the annoyance of baby talk.

And what is this about reporting every single thing your baby does? Besides, all your baby's physical and speech prove is that they're not handicapped. Actually, it doesn't even prove that. But if it does, I guess I should say "congratulations." Or maybe not, because that just makes the handicapped babies feel bad.

Frankly, I think dogs are a better investment for several reasons.

1. Dogs are fairly easy to toilet train. Babies on the other hand (who supposedly have brains that are five times bigger and as complex as a dolphin) continue shitting themselves on a regular basis for quite some time. Sometimes (according to Freud) just for the pure gratification of doing so. There is obviously something wrong with that.

2. Dogs are smarter than babies. Proof: when a dog sleeps with you in your bed and you roll around, the dog knows how to get out of the way in order to avoid being smothered.

3. Dogs die kind of early. You don't have to deal with all the teenage years. And you don't have to expect other people to deal with your teenagers. Nota bene, we don't like them.

4. Dogs love you unconditionally. Babies only really like them if you feed them. Take the food away and the baby is pissed. Where's the gratitude for all that pain it took to bring them into the world?

Speaking of which, I'm sick of hearing about that as well. American (and most of the Western world for that matter) birthing is a relatively painless, convenient, and efficient process. You go in the hospital, get a load of painkillers that would make a terminal cancer patient envious, and your doctor -- who doesn't bother to make you push because he's got a golf game to get to --simply slices, dices, and then the nurses apply several instruments (resembling the electroshock therapy popularized in asylums in the 1950s) to make sure your baby survives regardless of how bad your were eating, how much liquour you consumed, and how much crack you were smoking while that thing was growing inside you. I mean, why take responsibility for your baby's health when everyone else can just do it for you?

People have babies in fields, in huts, and without even the benefit of boiled water. Get over your martyrization already.

That brings me to my final point. Breast-pumping. I think "breast-pumping" is really just an excuse to make all of your co-workers work that much harder while you take 3 fifty minute breaks in addition to your lunch. Listen up, we did not decide to have a baby, you did. And frankly after having to hear about your baby about a thousand times a day, it's expecting a bit too much for us to do your work for you as well.

Of course, I have friends whose babies are wonderful or cute and totally undeserving of this diatribe against babydom.

Or so they keep telling me.


Shelley Stribling said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Star Kicker said...

With you there. In addition, if the kids look anything like them, I'm forced to defriend them due to my advanced aesthetic taste.

TheNewMagoo said...

A dog is a much better idea. They don't cost as much to look after and nobody objects if you put them in a kennel while you go to work.

emily said...

:D dogs are nice... so are kittys!