Diet

I am now on the path that leads to redemption: I have admitted that I am swiftly becoming a lardass. Time to take action.

Step One:

Smoke.

Everyone knows that cigarettes cut your appetite, keep your mouth and fingers busy, and supermodels do it and god knows they're thin. Of course, there's always more of a health risk for overweight smokers, but if you increase your intake from one to two packs a day, you'll reach your goal weight in no time!

Step Two:

Add more fruits and vegetables to your diet and avoid wheat.

That means instead of beer you should go for a little cranberry in your vodka, or a bloody mary. The antioxidents also cancel out any potential adverse effects of the alcohol. In fact, you can actually see it working. Have a couple of martinis with extra olives and look at yourself in the mirror naked. Damn! You hotty, you!

Step Three:

Get more physical exercise.

Give your signed letter to your secretary instead of calling her to make her come get it. This will also have the added advantage of no longer being the only lawyer at the firm whose secretary is skinnier than she is. To that end, give her lots and lots of dictation tapes full of your babbling that she has to spend all day typing and tell her aerobics are really bad for the elderly. It's likely this last comment may drive her to eat something fattening.

Step Four:

Find inspiration.

This one really tripped me up. I mean, there's so much to choose from when searching for inspiration to get skinny again. Alas, pasting photos of supermodels and JCrew catalogs everywhere are not doing it for me. Nor do I feel like investing in one of those devices that oinks when you open the fridge. And frankly, the fact that my pants always leave marks in my new flesh folds no longer do the trick because these marks seem to have become permanent and my pants just sort of snap into place like legos.

Thank the gods for this video. It not only provided me with the inspiration to get moving again, it gave me an idea for other lucrative careers once this whole legal thing goes in the can.